Find Me Now Love - Cheating Spouse

Find Me Now Love Blog Post
Cheating Spouse: 7 Motives for Spying
Should you spy on your cheating wife or husband ? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is frequently strong . There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:
1. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often cruel secrets. Secrets are work! There isn't much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People begin doing crazy things. Children begin acting out, halt achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often haul the emotional load. You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You need to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive existence .
2. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You need to know the truth. You sense something doesn't fit. You suspect there is a breach of one thing . You need to know what you are up against. You aren't willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You need to get on with the relationship. You need to get on with your existence . You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this enormous elephant that no one is talking about. You need to know the truth, front the truth, deal with the truth and be release .
3. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer interest . Without adrenaline, life seems boring or ordinary . Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a portion of your life .
4. Trust is a large reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you've sensed one thing is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating wife or cheating husband and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a portion of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it! To deny this portion of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at minimum know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and believe more fully your gut feelings.
5. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often , unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will need to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception might exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my “7 Reasons For an Affair” to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.
6. You might need to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating wife or husband . You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.
7. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away . It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who one time was well known. Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as youngsters ? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At minimum it is a game , and a game is at minimum some contact, some involvement . You miss the connection and attempt to find someway to maintain the ties.
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Find Me Now Love - Sexual Addiction and Infidelity

Find Me Now Love Blog Post
When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet
One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple , has a difficult time saying "NO." He/she might want to, but feels compelled to say "yes." People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and cruel it. Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.”
Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by one thing and discover it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point. How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:
1. Sex takes on an inflated role or worth . Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful compel . Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common.
2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.
3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last ...until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse might be aware or unaware (but sense that one thing is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises.
4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.
5. Sexuality is frequently confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, might haul along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was release of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe.
6. Such a person lives in a distorted world . They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “addiction.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, dupe others and might lead a “dual” existence .
Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some assist before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.
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Find Me Now Love - Infidelity Excuse

Find Me Now Love Blog Post
Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this isn't merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. This person has discovered a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person one time again “feels in love.” They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings. Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair.
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away , one thing is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my own world , because I lack a world . Being “in love” is the panacea for my personal emptiness.
3. This type of affair often occurs when there's a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children , starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially susceptible for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence.
4. There is small understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For instance , “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him , becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to him , become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who'll project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living existence from the core of who one is.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a piece of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. The person who was driven to discover “that fond feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a tall degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is frequently married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse doesn't have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon . Maybe afterwhile .
findmenowlove.com

Find Me Now Love - Find Your Ideal Partner

Find Me Now Love Blog Post
Find Your Ideal Partner
How would you describe the ideal female of your dream? “Oh, she has accquired to be beautiful with a nice figure, having a sweet and sexy voice, cheerful, gentle, considerate, kind-hearted, understanding, independent, musically inclined, share a common interest of mine, hmm… knows how to prepare nice food and… ” Ok, that's enough . Now, do you think such a perfect person actually exists? Well maybe yes maybe not. But if everyone were to nevertheless, really have such a high expectations, love is certainly going to be hardly visible in the air .
Don’t you think so too? So, what makes an ideal partner then? Well before we go on, perhaps it might be good to know what an exact ideal partner are we discussing here? A dating partner or a marriage partner? Or has this question never even occurred to you before? Ok, let's response the question again separately. Hmm… maybe we shall get the girls to answer this time.
First question: How would you describe an ideal dating partner? Common answers would include, “Dashing with a nice body, full of gentlemanliness, caring and considerate, having a good sense of humor, cheerful, fun fond , adventurous, full of fun and excitement, loves me dearly and etc”
Ok at this time the second question: How would you describe an ideal marriage partner? Common answers would include, “Mature, accquired a sense of responsibility, cheerful, caring, understanding, honest, kind-hearted, having a financially stable income, knowledgeable, able to take good care of the family, loves me dearly and etc” Notice the difference? An ideal dating partner and an ideal marriage partner is usually a very different person, perhaps just very a little in common I'd say.
Well in a perfect case, an ideal partner ought to of course be best, both a dating and a marriage partner. Someone whom you enjoy dating, bringing you lots of fun, joy and excitements; at the same time someone whom is willing to share your problems and unhappiness, accepting all your negative habits and faults; committed to bringing you happiness.
But again, does such an ideal person exist? Can we really have both the pie and the cake? Think about it. Are we somehow setting too tall an expectation? Unknowingly rejecting our chances? Losing the opportunity to be in love? Unknowingly bringing unhappiness to your relationship, yourself and your love?
Hmm… well, do remember that we're afterall just talking about ideal here. Something, which is good to have, but not a must to have? So before you are going to start complaining again that life is so unfair to you, request yourself, “Have you really ever tried? Tried pursuing for happiness?” Instead of always picking on your partner’s faults making life unhappy for both, have you tried looking at the other beautiful side of them, their beautiful qualities? Appreciating what you have already accquired ?
Tried improving on yourself instead, to becoming a better lover; a more ideal lover? Willing to open up yourself, giving both yourself and others a chance? Remember, what you expect of yours or your future partner is equally what she or she expects of you. Going into a relationship is never a game . It is a long-term investment, an investment of love in-between the both of you. It is something which both have to genuinely think through and plan far . What would actually come after dating? Marriage is what I should suppose? Sharing the rest of your existence , your future happiness with that special someone?
Well, if nothing were to go wrong in your relationship, your dating partner is eventually going to become your marriage partner, your life partner. Can I say so? Ok, to the girls, let me ask you a question. Would you share your happiness with someone that's full of fun and excitement to be with now , but deep down within yourself you know he is not going to be a good husband , someone who would not take good care of hers family? So again, what's your definition of an ideal partner?
Someone whom truly love you, willing to share your problems and unhappiness or…? Well, the response is within you. It has been with you all this while, only you can discover the answer to this question. Your happiness belongs to you, nobody can decide for you. Be true to yourself, you should know what you really wants.
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