Find Me Now Love Blog Post
Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this isn't merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. This person has discovered a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person one time again “feels in love.” They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings. Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair.
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away , one thing is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my own world , because I lack a world . Being “in love” is the panacea for my personal emptiness.
3. This type of affair often occurs when there's a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children , starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially susceptible for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence.
4. There is small understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For instance , “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him , becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to him , become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who'll project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living existence from the core of who one is.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a piece of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. The person who was driven to discover “that fond feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a tall degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is frequently married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse doesn't have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon . Maybe afterwhile .
findmenowlove.com
Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this isn't merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. This person has discovered a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person one time again “feels in love.” They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings. Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair.
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away , one thing is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my own world , because I lack a world . Being “in love” is the panacea for my personal emptiness.
3. This type of affair often occurs when there's a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children , starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially susceptible for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence.
4. There is small understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For instance , “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him , becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to him , become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who'll project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living existence from the core of who one is.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a piece of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. The person who was driven to discover “that fond feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a tall degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is frequently married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse doesn't have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon . Maybe afterwhile .
findmenowlove.com
